conclusion

   con·cept

     ˈkänˌsept/

      noun

1.   an abstract idea; a general notion.

       "structuralism is a difficult concept"

   synonyms:

   idea, notion, conception, abstraction; More

   •  a plan or intention; a conception.

     "the center has kept firmly to its original concept"
   • an idea or invention to help sell or publicize a commodity.

     "a new concept in corporate hospitality"

      

     sub·ject mat·ter

     ˈsəbjək(t) ˌmedər/

     noun

     the topic dealt with or the subject represented in a debate, exposition, or work of art.

     
     

     even after copy and pasting the definitions of concept and subject matter directly from webster's, I still don't know the difference.  all I know is that I went into midterms with what I thought was the concept of the work.  it turns out that each work had a different subject matter that were all being represented by the same concept? question mark? 

     I am coming to see that the concept of my work is that the objects all look different, each of them stands on their own, the group as a whole are all similar in that they are all different from each other.  here comes the research into materialism and aesthetics in contemporary art.  here comes the research into the aesthetics of taste.  here comes all of the things that I need to read that will help me be ready for the next time that I walk into what I thought was going to be a critique but is actually a full on defense.  I'm not upset about this, I mean I'm the one that signed up to make art in an academic setting right?

     what I don't want is for the concept or subject matter or whatever the hell you want to call it, to be some futile, top down, forced "reason" confirming why I made the work when the work actually just wants to become itself organically.  

     yup, I make a lot of work.

     yup, I spend a lot of time in the studio making.

     nope, I am not just mindlessly playing with materials, but am actively thinking and writing the whole time.

     nope, I am not going to point at each piece and say "and this is what this one means... and this is what this one means... and this is what this one means..."

     and finally... nope, I am not an illustrator that is going to point at each and every piece of material or color or piece of tape and say "this material is used because of this... and I used this material because it means this..."

     now that that little blockage has been cleared...  

     this is one of my most favorite things about allowing myself to get all riled up about stuff sometimes.   usually, the things that piss me off the most have a huge chunk of truth in them that I just don't want to look at.  the fact is that I did not come here to learn how to paint.   I know how to do that well enough.  the reason I came here was to get down to my deficiencies when it come to speaking about and (vomit) being able to defend my work.  progress not perfection?  question mark?

     sincerely,

     uncomfortable.